Little Davy Crockett

"Born on a mountain top in Tennessee... greenest state in the land of the free. Raised in the woods so he knew every tree. Killed him a bear when he was only three. Davy... Davy Crockett - king of the wild frontier."

How does a three-year-old kill a bear? Was the bear elderly? Did it not have legs? Did Davy accidentally run it over with a tractor? Because this could not have been a full-strength, full-sized, full-brained bear. I couldn't tie my shoes when I was three... in fact, I considered it a victory when I got them on the right feet. And I'm supposed to believe that Davy Crockett killed a fully functional bear at that age? I guess that's why there's a song and a TV show about him and not even so much as a jingle about me and my wrong-footed shoes.

Davy Crockett probably would have gone down in history as the man in the bear-skin cap if wearing a bear's carcass on your head was at all comfortable or possible. But since animals of that size are impractical as headwear, he simply killed and wore the first hat-sized critter to pass unluckily by. Let's forget about the bear for a second... how does a three-year-old even kill a raccoon? Not just physically, but morally. I feel bad when I accidentally step on a grasshopper. Little Davy was beyond feeling.

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