Two Turtle Doves

The Twelve Days of Christmas is a ridiculous song. If you sing at a fast tempo and skip five or six verses, you can sing the whole thing in just under 40 minutes. Yet sadly, the song's length is the most sane thing about it. I love Christmas carols... but I do not like The Twelve Days of Christmas.

In the first seven days of the song (which, as far as I can tell, is sung in real time), a total of 59 birds are presented as gifts. Fifty-nine birds? Did I give you the wrong impression concerning my feelings for birds? I mean, I have nothing against them, but let's leave some of them outside. Maybe one of these days of Christmas I could get a truck full of bird seed, because tuppence doesn't grow on trees.

And ten lords a leaping? I don't even know what I'd do with one lord a leaping. I'm going to have to rent a bus just to take them all down to the pier. Now, nine ladies dancing... there's a gift! That's something I've wanted for a long time. See - if you personalize a gift like that, good things happen. But the lords and the drummers and the sanctuary's worth of birds... ridiculous.

Perhaps the most upsetting thing of all about The Twelve Days of Christmas... there's only ONE day of Christmas. December 25th. Maybe for next year's one day of Christmas I'll get my true love a calendar.

(When my wife saw this drawing, she said, "You know - turtle doves aren't half turtle." I know that. I'm not an idiot. They're half dove.)

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